if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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