I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
