I puked a lego.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize