If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
