I accidentally burped into my bong.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
