when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize