I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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