Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
