I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
