So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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