i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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