he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
