i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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