I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
