Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
