I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
