I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize