Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
