i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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