please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
