Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You dont lie about slip and slides
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Pooping to opera.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
