Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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