the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
