im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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