i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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