Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
