Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
