does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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