Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
