I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize