just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
