the condom got lost in my hair
it hurts more in the daytime
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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