I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
