dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
