He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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