I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
