Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
