I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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