Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
dude. I can hear the air.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
