and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
