U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
