Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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