billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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