Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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