whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize