I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
