I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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