The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
