i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
