very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
