If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
