Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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