Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
