Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
