i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
