My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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