Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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